Friday, June 6, 2008


All right kids, listen up cause Miss Vero is telling y'all to put on those life jackets. It seems that the folks that inhabit the barrier island (or as we like to refer to them as the "beachies") have decided to remove themselves a little further from the rest of the county. They have determined that a personal newspaper is in order for their needs and have created "Vero Beach 32963".

"Unlike the Press Journal, Hometown News, or the Beachside News, the print version of Vero Beach 32963 will be mailed free exclusively to all barrier island residences and businesses."

They believe that:

"Residents of our island community tend to be older, better educated, more affluent, pay more in taxes, contribute more to candidates, churches and charities, than residents of the area at large."

Oh, really.

The editor - a very serious looking Mr. Milton R. Benjamin, has a big beef with the PJ:

"The Press Journal did a much better job of serving the community when it was owned by my then neighbor in Castaway Cove, John Schumann Jr., than it now does as part of a Cincinnati-based conglomerate that has turned the old Vero Beach Press Journal building into a Potemkin Village"

Don't feel bad children, Miss Vero did not get this man's high falutin, showin off his education reference either, so here y'all :

Take a quick look and run fast, cause this Mr. Benjamin is all business:

So Indian River County becomes more and more like the ill fated Titanic. The first class passengers get the life boats, while the middle class service crew fetches their martinis. The Captain, officers and deck hands (our local government), scramble around wondering what to do and where that big block of ice came from. The poor are locked in steerage (Gifford and such places), where they won't be seen or heard from and the Press Journal Band plays on!

Don't worry about Miss Vero, we'll be playin the unsinkable Molly Brown in this production.

Ya'll want to hear the good news? They have a very good restaurant critic.

Pass Miss Vero one of those martinis sugar, we're needin it bad today.



Anonymous said...

Miz Vero,
Do you think them high-falutin' folks over yonder on that there island would mind us'ns dumb-ole po' folks here on the land-side readin' their exclusive little on-line version? I knows we a'int as educated as them. (I only gots me 3 degrees, including that there doctorate.) And we a'int as rich as them 'cause we do have to work for a living and none of them ever had to do such a low-life thing.

I do unnerstand how they would want news of and about their own kind. But I'm just wondering...who's gonna write, sell ads, etc. for their elitist rag? Certainly individuals seeking to further distance themselves from the lowly working class here on the mainland would not deign to sully their manicured digits at such menial tasks.

West of RR Trackz said...

I'd like to express my sincere disappointment with your article.

How dare you write something so dangerously funny that both my sides split open exposing my innards.

Now I got to go see one of them beachie doctors only to make them rich get richer while us po folk get poorer.

If I could just get your address I'll send you the doctor bill.

I'll thank you to tone down the humor so I don't risk reopening my stitches.