Monday, December 15, 2008

SNIFFLES AND SNARK


We're all sick here at the Beach House and we've got the flu too! Everyone in or around Miss Vero has been ill, is under the weather, or is coming down with somethin. Miss Vero is just about over it, but honestly, we are still a bit draggy. Our poor friend Mr. Max Newport has also been ill, but he somehow managed to dose up real good and write us a clever article.


I GUESS THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT THE FLU
Max Newport


Max woke up Wednesday morning with a raging fever, chills and other good stuff and felt that soon someone would be knocking on the door saying “bring out your dead”. I would have gladly jumped on the pile. Since my eyes were not focusing, I thought it best to avoid going to work and spreading this plague and/or making any type of decision in a feverish fog. Later, I found out that Wednesday was some kind of a national call in gay sick day then remembered that we’ll all feel gay when Johnny comes marching home. Since the song was about when Johnny comes marching home again, why weren’t we gay when he marched home the first time?

Yes, this is Max on meds. It’s not going to be pretty. This is the kind of writing I detest, but since I have the attention span of a gnat, this is as good as it gets.

Thankfully, my doctor is not gay and was able to see me on short notice blessing me with a shot and some prescriptions. The diagnosis? “That thing that is going around”. The cure? Plenty of rest, liquids and time. Yes “time” is the cure. Wait long enough and it will go away. The good doctor said the meds should have me feeling better in about 48 hours.

The real down side to this, other than the fever, chills, etc., was the inability to sleep. So I was propped on the couch in a stupor, perhaps drooling, watching daytime television on a weekday for the first time in recent memory, but more about that later. I did consider taking NyQuil because that will put your sorry butt to sleep. Years ago I took some NyQuil and I swear that actress Ruth Gordon came into my room, dressed like a nurse, with a ziplock baggie filled with water and several teabags. “Make the fever work for you, my boy, make it work for you.”

Since then I have avoided NyQuil. If you haven’t seen Denis Leary’s take on green narcolepsy, here is the link. It is rated “R” for language so be therefore advised.

I’m glad Denis mentioned Christmas because our favorite Christmas movie is “The Ref”. Mrs. Newport and I watch it every year and stars Denis Leary, Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis are all fantastic. As a side note, the guy that plays Leary’s partner in crime “Gus” was also the infamous Al Neri character in the Godfather movies. He’s the guy that killed Fredo in part two. My personal favorite Christmas flick is the original “Die Hard”. I’ve got in on DTS 6.1 surround sound and can’t wait to watch it when my brain starts working again. You might think that since the Newports are fine church going folk that we would enjoy more traditional holiday fare. We did go see the movie “The Nativity Story” a couple of years ago and in a moment of spiritual triumph purchased the DVD. It sits on our shelf yet today in its original child resistant, bullet proof plastic wrappings. Put “The Ref” on your Netflix list. You’ll be glad that you did.

Back to daytime television. With the inability to focus on anything, I watched the triad of MSNBC, Fox News and ESPN and parts of a few movies. Here are a few observations:

1. I’m not buying this Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s hair for a second. It seems that Chicago’s political reputation for corruption is reaching new heights and that Barack Obama is the new Al Capone.

2. Cristy Lane is pushing hard to sell a 3 cd songfest with 53 tunes. She sings, “Shake me I rattle, squeeze me I cry…” right before an urgent Fox News Alert that the remains of Caylee Anthony had been found in Orlando. Who is this Cristy Lane? She looks like she has been around for awhile. From what I heard, I would be looking for a firearm somewhere between the second and third song knowing that there were 50 more to go.

3. I’d keep the firearm handy for this video professor dude urging you to “try my product” that he is literally freaking giving away folks. Only if you deliver it personally prof, so that I can use my firearm.

4. I saw enough of the movie “Juno” to understand why my daughter acts as wacky as she does. No, she is not pregnant, but at least I know where all of the posturing and hand gestures are coming from.

5. Memo to attorney Laurie Goldstein. Get rid of that TV ad. On hi-def big screen, it is about the scariest thing I have ever seen. I emitted an audible gasp when that commercial attacked my screen. My dog ran into another room. If there had been small children in the room, they would have cried.

Enough of me and the flu. Here are a couple of pages I want you to ponder while thinking about the death of the local newspaper to follow up on points made by Miss Vero and LDouglas.

The Press Journal has an awful lot of writers for such a measly output. Of course, when I say “awful lot”, I mean it in the most positive way.

Being sick sucks on so many levels, but I did find a way to get some sleep. I downloaded an audio copy of the book “Downtown Owl” and put it on my iPod.

Audio NyQuil.


Thanks so much Max, hope y'all are on the mend and we have to admit, we kinda like you slightly medicated! Feel better real soon and...
MWAH!

6 comments:

LDouglas said...

Well Max put my fears to rest that my blog for Wednesday is something anyone wants to read about- cause I bet you were all thinking about it recently...

Even though I'm a day late and a dollar short for those at the Beach House, I'll also have what works for me for beating the flu- and it isn't a flu shot.

Yup, I guess that's why they call it the flu, time on your hands is time spent ah-choo (ing)... Lol

DISPLACED said...

That was like a bunch of Newport droppings to suck on while waiting for a one-topic post. I enjoyed it! Denis Leary is pretty cool, but he's starting to annoy me with this monumental gap between seasons of Rescue Me, I cried while watching the last one of the last season that aired (scene with his dad at the baseball game) and I need to know soon whether I'll be perking up or crying some more.

A great gift for someone on your list (for me it's my mid-30s son who turned me on to Rescue Me a few years ago) is Leary's controversial new book Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid.

My Decor Style said...

Daytime tv is awful, worse than being sick. That Cristy Lane ad has been on since I was in middle school (1984) at least. WHO keeps purchasing her 8-tracks, cassettes, and cds?

Lola said...

Another fitting song in more ways than one. Too bad it leaves a girl kind of flat because she knows there's no chance he could be singing 'bout her. Unless of course she is really a he like her song name implies.
hehe ;-0

No matter, I finished the verse...

I guess that's why they call it the flu,
Time on your hands
ends up spent on the tube.
Whining like children,
annoying your lovers,
shivering but no thunder,
un_der the covers,
and I guess that's why they call it the flu.

cicifromdeecee said...

omigoodness, max - perhaps it IS the nyquil i am taking regularly, but i believe you can read my mind. those exact thoughts passed through often during the past two weeks, while i have been battling the flu myself. And i felt so all alone, but all i had to do was show up at the beachhouse and meet like-minded sick folks...thanks for the laughs. Get better.

cicifromdeecee said...

i know, from lots of illness experience with daytime and late-night tv, that no matter how i feel, it's time to go back to work when i begin to contemplate ordering anything from the Video Professor or that guy who can turn you're children's behavior around by teaching you the correct verbiage. but i do love the look of the nyquil pills - they look like magical, nuclear vials...you may consider these cici crappings.