Monday, June 16, 2008
Ever since Miss Vero read those words of wisdom on the side of a bic lighter, we have always tried to follow that sage advice. Miss Vero tends to concur with the philosophy and views of the New York author Fran Lebowitz, agreeing that children are not good company, seeing is how they seldom pick up the check in a restaurant and one can never expect to bum a cigarette from them. That being said, Miss Vero occasionally finds herself in the presence of small to medium size children, what with friends, relatives and grandchildren, or as we like to refer to them as "spawn of the spawn".
One of our favorite people, Lawdy Mama, has tolerable children, we admire her parenting style and she has generously offered some tips. If-in y'all are stuck here and do not summer in the north or some small to medium size children come to visit and y'all are perplexed as to what do, Lawdy Mama has some good suggestions.
But first, let's talk about those pictures up top. The whole idea of this post started when Lawdy Mama emailed these photos to Miss Vero. Yesterday - and yes I know it was Father's day, but honestly, after he got the new tie/golf club/fishing pole/sports related item, the next best thing he could have gotten was some damn peace and quiet. Knowin this and pestered by the kids to go, Lawdy Mama, took her two medium size children to a big event in Vero Beach sponsored by the Cartoon Network. The children had seen the event advertised on Cartoon Network and low and behold the Press Journal had a full page ad, provided and sponsored by big guy, Vietnam Veteran and appliance guru, Mr. John Jetson (who Miss Vero fondly remembers, although Mr. Jetson will not remember Miss Vero).
Let Miss Vero just say, that when it comes to marketing, Mr. Jetson is one smart cookie. He figured out a way to grab a niche for appliances by offering high end and survived the big box retailers hold on the market. Miss Vero remembers Mr. Jetson sayin one time that he spends a whole lotta money on marketing and half of it's wasted, trouble is, he never knows which half. Miss Vero notices and admires Mr. Jetson for sponsoring quite a lot in the area and for bringing a national tour to Vero:
Too bad nobody attended! As witnessed in these photos, even when something is provided free, Vero residents are either not responding, or not getting the info in a timely manner. Yes, we know it was Father's day, yes there was a full page ad the day of the event (courtesy of Mr. Jetson), but why did'nt the PJ do more to promote it and why only print a small blurb NINE days before the event and not in the Friday "what to do" section?
Daily bashing of PJ, check. Back to the story;
LAWDY MAMA'S SUGGESTIONS FOR THOSE IN THE POSSESSION OF SMALL TO MEDIUM SIZED CHILDREN THIS SUMMER:
As illustrated with the above failure of the PJ to adequately inform the public of special one time events, we have some permanent installations of fun for y'all to consider.
#1 Get out of Vero, head north to Sebastian. Take them to the North County Aquatic Center. Now y'all might ask - Why would I take them to that pool, when I have a pool/beach right in my own back yard? And Lawdy Mama will tell you - Because that way, they will not be making a mess at, or tracking sand into your house. Children tend to be sticky and have more hand prints than an octopus. Besides, do y'all have a waterslide, fountains, water cannons and zero entry, not to mention many other small to medium types for them to play with? We didn't think so.
#2 Ok, I really don't want to leave my backyard pool, what then? No problem, tell them y'all want to play "Paris Hilton" only YOU have to be Paris. First teach them how to mix a proper martini, cosmo, gin and tonic, etc. Not only will you be giving them a valuable life skill, they will then become useful. Now, lay back on your chaise, put on your biggest Jackie-O sunglasses and invite your best friend, Miss Vero over. If there are girls in the group, play spa and have your toenails painted. With boys, tell them it's a treasure hunt and make them fetch things for you. Say "that's hot" when they've accomplished their tasks. Promise you'll pay them a lot of money (maybe, someday).
#3 With small children who are prone to misbehaving, yet are easily intimidated, take them to Sebastian Skydive.
There's an observation deck and a cafe that serves food, beer and wine! Watch the plane go up, up, up in the air, watch the skydivers jump out and land. Explain to the small children that this is where the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz are trained and if they don't start listening, the Sebastian flying monkeys will come and take them to the wicked witch's castle. After the very quiet trip home, pop in the DVD of the Wizard of Oz to reinforce the idea. Works every time.
LAWDY MAMA'S SUGGESTIONS FOR WHAT TO DO WITH TEENAGERS:
It's a cruel, cruel, summer y'all! Try to stay cool and keep the blender hummin!